Eurovision Songs 2024: Every country's song selection for this year's contest

Eurovision 2024

Ah yes, the Eurovision Song Contest. The annual extravaganza of song where millions of European residents sit in front of their TVs and laugh at the so-called "stars" onstage. Except of course, nowadays this isn't really the case, if some of the folk from 2023 were anything to go by. This year is hardly any different, filled to the brim with songs Radio 1 probably sticks on to fill a timeslot, in between plugging losers like USHER's flop records and whatever Charli XCX is doing now. Now that all 37 entries have arrived, I'm here to review 'em. We're gonna be here a while. I am ordering this based on the betting odds as of 15/03/24 at 11:47, so this may not be accurate. Anyways...

🇸🇲Megara - 11:11

First out the blocks is San Marino, the country with the least successful qualification rate out of anyone here, and listening to this one, this just screams 2008 semi-finalist. It couldn't be more dated if it waving the Yugoslavian flag.

🇲🇩Natalia Barbu - In The Middle

As I'm writing this, Moldova have just leapfrogged the Czechs into 35th position. Not sure why, but maybe the numerous violin-playing backing singers have played a part in this. Natalia represented these lot in 2007, finishing 10th with Fight. She'll be lucky to finish 10th in her semi.

🇨🇿Aiko - Pedestal

Speaking of which, here come the Czech Republic. Or Czechia. Or whatever people are calling them nowadays. Either way, Aiko clearly jumped on the Chanel train a little late with this one.

🇱🇺Tali - Fighter

Luxembourg are back for the first time since 1993, yet listening to their comeback entry makes me want to erase their 5 (FIVE) victories in the distant past. So far, yet so, so off it's ridiculous.

🇲🇹Sarah Bonnici - Loop

And here come the first of the earworms, destined to engrain themselves in your head for the next few months. Malta's song here is a classic case of Europop delicacy that won't win the voters over. Sorry guys. Maybe next year (or never).

🇱🇻Dons - Hollow

Latvia haven't been in the final since 2016. That stale record isn't gonna change here, fellas. Not with this predictable ballad.

🇩🇪Isaak - Always On The Run

Germany have been bottom twice on the spin now, and after hearing their latest entrant, I'm surprised they've resisted renting an apartment there. I feel bad for Isaak, but then one look at him reminds me of our ultimate laughing-stock from 2021, James Newman, and suddenly I don't feel bad anymore. Huh.

🇵🇹Iolanda - Grito

Winning the country's Festival de Canção is this one from the Portuguese library, who clearly decided that the colour white wasn't ubiquitous enough. Almost as hollow as Ed Sheeran, but not by much.

🇵🇱Luna - The Tower

This lady from Poland plays chess in the video for this song very poorly. Given she sounds like Tate McRae's Slavic cousin, I honestly don't blame her.

🇪🇸Nebulossa - Zorra

The oldest folk in this contest is 55 year-old Maria Bas, who forms one half of Spanish duo Nebulossa. The crowd clearly loved her at the Benidorm Fest that got her here, but I all sadly see is someone trying too hard. Especially with some of the others combatants this year.

🇩🇰Saba - Sand

One of the better ones this year in my opinion, and not because the Danes have specialised in epilepsy-inducing strobes. Not gonna win, but I like it as it is.

🇸🇮Raiven - Veronika

Meanwhile, Raiven from Slovenia does everything BUT sing the backing track on the video, which probably means that the lip-sync challenge is a closed shop then.

🇦🇺Electric Fields - One Milkali

There are some real stinkin' lyrics in this one, the Aussie's 9th (or 10th, depending on who you ask) appearance. Then again, only in Eurovision will you hear someone quote Janet Jackson and Fleetwood Mac in their chorus. Either way, I won't be voting for it in my billion-illions.

🇨🇾Silia Kapsis - Liar

6 years after Fuego almost shook the world in its quest to trigger hormones everywhere, and Cyprus are still trying to capture lightning in a bottle again. What a surprise, it doesn't work. Even though the person singing it is a 17-year old from Sydney. Who is younger than me. What am I doing with my life... 😔

🇪🇪5minust & Puuluup - (nendest) narkootikumidest ei tea me (küll) midagi

So the title of this one translates as 'We do know nothing about these drugs'. I think that tells you how much insanity has gone into this Estonian entry. Clearly, the spirit of Käärijä lives on.

🇦🇱Besa - Titan

Just a week ago, Albania were at the foot of the betting odds, but now they're slowly climbing thanks to the work of this ballad. Something about it works, yet I just can't figure it out.

🇷🇸Teya Dora - Ramonda

Here's the Serbian entry. It's a ballad. It's quiet for a little bit. Then it ramps up the tension for a while. Then it stops dead. Can I go home now?

🇫🇮Windows95man - No Rules

The minute a guy with a Windows 95 matching shirt and cap bursts out of an egg during the live performance of this, you knew most people would end up talking about it. Finland just never disappoint, do they? Song's fine.

🇮🇸Hera Björk - Scared of Heights

This lass represented Iceland back in 2010 and finished an alright 19th with Je Ne Sais Quoi. Now she's back to harrass the Eurovision scene again with this one, which is perfect Eurovision fodder. As in, early 00s, disco fever, dress up like a diva, get Terry Wogan to make a sly joke about your looks kind of fodder. It's fine, I guess.

🇮🇪Bambie Thug - Doomsday Blue

Wow, you wonder what the Irish traditionalists will think of this. Only one final appearance in the past decade has clearly possessed them to send a 31 year-old transgender Marilyn Manson lookalike from Cork, who specialises in "Ouija-pop" and will most likely send my mum into a frenzy when she performs this in Malmö. If they make the final, obviously.

🇦🇿Fahree ft. Ilkin Dovlatov - Özünlə Apar

The final country to reveal their entry, Azerbaijan have went with a guy who couldn't be more like Sam Smith if he changed his gender and starting taking steroids. Or you know, made more weak-kneed ballads like this one. Yeah, that outcome's more likely.

🇦🇲Ladaniva - Jako

And 16th in line for the throne are the Armenians who win bonus points for actually sounding Armenian. Up there with Denmark for now, even though my qualms for them to send System of a Down remain forever unfulfilled.

🇬🇪Nutsa Buzaladze - Firefighter

8 years have passed since Georgia's last trip to glory, but after the injustice of Iru missing out last year, they have somewhat more hope with this latest pop effort. Even though I'm struggling to remember things about it as I type.

🇳🇴Gåte - Ulveham

These lot apparently play prog-rock in their spare team. In my humble opinion, prog-rock is one of the worst things a popular band can commit, along with sampling iconic music tracks for dance hits and being omnipresent on TV. Of course, you can't really do prog in 3 minutes, but these lot at least try to. Even though they sound like Evanescence.

🇬🇧Olly Alexander - Dizzy

Oh boy, this is a toughie. This guy was actually riding high in the betting odds for this, until people heard what this song sounds like and promptly returned to their Weeknd playlists. Amongst 36 other hopefuls, Olly will probably end up finishing 21st. This song is boring by the way, I thought you knew that by now.

🇱🇹Silvester Belt - Luktelk

Lithuania's best showing was in 2006 with the seminal 'We Are The Winners', who actually did really well for such egotism. This new one isn't gonna be the song to break them into the Top 5 I'm afraid.

🇦🇹Kaleen - We Will Rave

Mainly because Austria have already beaten them to the dancefloor with their somewhat accurate song. Kaleen is also more likely to win over the socially inactive crowd with her choice of costume, if the video is anything to go by.

🇫🇷Slimane - Mon Amour

10th in the running are the French, whose continuing ability to sound like they've been hibernating from pop since 1977 is hard to ignore. And this effort is a classic example of that. Even though it reers too close to their 2021 smash for comfort.

🇸🇪Marcus & Martinus - Unforgettable

Ah yes, the host entry. Overwhelming favourites at this year's Melodifestivalen, these two twins are out to prove that their brand of Swedish millennial pop is far from dated. Even though everyone would've preferred some other artists beginning with M.

🇮🇱Eden Golan - Hurricane

And in other news, Israel came under fire when the original lyrics for this veered just a little too close to war-related issues for the organisers to handle. Now it's been re-tooled, and will most likely do well. Probably due to sympathy votes, if anything, which is something I always hate in situations like this. This I why I hated 2022's contest so much. And just before you reply, I didn't care for Sam Ryder much either.

🇬🇷Marina Satti - Zari

GREECE IS BLISS says the opening title card for this song, and when listening to the 7th most-likely victor, it's kinda hard to disagree. Even though it sounds like someone's messing around with a Yamaha keyboard in the background.

🇧🇪Musti - Before The Party's Over

And in other news, Belgium will most likely end up as this year's entry where the critics who've bumped this one up love it to bits, but the public resolutely ignore it like the band of tribal clubbers they are. I'm sure The Prodigy of 1994 would be proud. But anyways, the song's OK or somethin'.

🇳🇱Joost Klein - Europapa

Yep. This is the new Käärijä. Given he almost won last year with his, ahem, "song", it felt inevitable that the copycats would be out in full force. That maybe explains why The Netherlands are 5th in the running then.

🇨🇭Nemo - The Code

Then there's the Swiss, who see 24-year old Nemo try and rap, sing, and yell like an opera tenor in the space of 3 minutes while some hip-hop beat races by us. Clearly, the dark horse of this year's competition. Just don't tell him about NF.

🇮🇹Angelina Mango - La noia

Here comes the Italians, regularly setting up shop at the bookies and watching the money roll in. When you're singer's surname is Mango, then it's even more likely that victory will be heading their way with this. They've clearly got the pop vote.

🇺🇦alyona alyona & Jerry Heil - Teresa & Maria

They're still singing about the war, aren't they? Combining the quiet melodramatics of 2016's 1944 with the free-flow cringe of 2022's Stefania, Ukraine are objectively low on inspiration here, so why they've been favourites for so long is anyone's guess. Why couldn't you replicate Wild Dances or Anti-Crisis Girl you frauds!!!

🇭🇷Baby Lasagna - Rim Tim Tagi Dim

Ah. Alrighty then. So this is the favourite, huh? Croatia have never won this contest, but now they've been thrust into the spotlight with a song that just screams "TELEVOTING" from the minute it kicks off. The melody of this will be in our craniums all spring, the set design looks eerily familiar, the song switches sound 2 minutes in, the drummer's got a bag over his head. Zagreb 2025, anyone?

FINALLY that's over with. I can concentrate on more important matters now. Like moaning about the charts. See you next time out.